Daddy’s Birthday

So there are moments now where I still cry about the loss of daddy, but most of the time I am filled with happy thoughts about our time on earth here together. It is so strange how grief affects us, one moment we are sad the next we are laughing. Each of the emotions are legitimate and needed but it is just so bizarre to me how I can go from one emotion to the other so quickly. They (the smart people who diagnose and write about grief) say this is completely normal and how you should be dealing with grief. It’s a good thing then that I guess in this case I am normal.

I did not make a big deal about dad’s birthday this year. In fact I didn’t even mention it anyone but my husband and my mother. It is not that I didn’t want to acknowledge him on his birthday but it was his second birthday in heaven and there was something very heavy about that. It is almost like viewing him in terms of childhood ages, the first year, the second year, etc. It is a very curious thought process and a rare feeling having to view it through those lenses.  I reflected on him and his spending his birthday in heaven, but since I truly have no idea what heaven is like, I could not fully imagine how he was celebrating.

I would like to think that he was going all out and eating all the sugar he could never eat here on earth thanks to his diabetes. I thought about him singing with some of the greats who had gone before him. I imagine him telling Elvis and Johnny Cash just how much his daughter loved them and how I would make him listen to them over and over. I see him talking to his grandfather who he so admired, I see him and Poppa sharing a large “War Eagle” between them and talking to players and coaches. Most of all I see him being happy, healthy, and alive in ways I can’t even fathom.

His birthday fell on a Monday. That Sunday night late, well into Monday morning I was not feeling the best so I got up to use the restroom which lately has been unusual for me (I know this is TMI but we are all friends here). When I was making my way in the pitch-black darkness of the room to the bed I literally ran into a wall of dad’s cologne and how it smelled on him. Now I have not smelled any cologne that he wore since his passing, there is no reason in my bedroom there should be that scent. I stopped as soon as I hit that wall, I inhaled deeply and sighed; it was such a fantastic smell to me. I lingered as long as I could in that moment, I needed to savor that scent and to relish in having that connection to him.

A lot of people don’t believe in spirits, signs, dreams, or anything that could link you to a loved one who has passed; that is perfectly fine we are all entitled to our opinions. I will say that I whole-heartedly believe because I have experiences it first hand on many occasions. It might be that I am looking for it, that I have my mind made up that I can see or feel but whatever it is, I believe in it and to me it is very real. That Sunday night he was there with me again, that was such a comfort to my very sad and broken heart. I am not sure I will every stop grieving or missing him like I do, but I take comfort in the fact that I have signs that he is still near me even though he is so far.

I have needed him more than ever as I deal with scary health issues and I have grieved that he isn’t here to give me guidance. I have sorely needed his comfort and his opinions on what directions I need to take in my quest to find out what is actually going with my health and me. That night though, I had prayed about finding a specific answer for some of my symptoms and sure enough I ran right into the wall of his cologne. The next day, his birthday, I had some answers from a few unexpected places. He stepped up and showed out for me yet again. I am so thankful that I got the answers I needed. Now I realize that the answers probably would have come but it was just nice to think that he was looking over me and helping me along as I dealt with all this health mess.

As I go into this next season I am missing him more and more but I feel like he still near me and still guiding me. I am thankful for all the time I got to spend with him on this earth and I take comfort in knowing I will be reunited with him in heaven and it will seem like no time has passed. He was an extraordinary man and a wonderful daddy, I am thankful God placed me in this family. I know that I was placed with dad and mom because God knew I was going to be facing a health crisis and I needed two people who could care for me, model for me, and be there for me throughout it all. So as I continue to fight, search, and discover answers for what is going on with my health, I so thankful that he is here with me still guiding my way. So happy late birthday daddy; I know you had a wonderful day.