Chronic Illness and Friendship

What no one tells you or really talks about is how having a chronic illness affects friendships. When you are first diagnosed and tell people there seems to be a rally around you. Everyone wants to know what the illness is, how it affects you, how they can help in the immediate, and to know that you are actually going to be fine. It seems like most people want to treat a chronic illness like a temporary illness that can be “cured” with the right medication, treatments, or therapies. When we, those with chronic illnesses/diseases, are first diagnosed we have those same feelings. We want an immediate fix, a quick cure, a simple way to get back to the person we were before we received the news. The truth is, when we finally get a diagnosis, it is almost a relief because we now know we aren’t crazy and that all we were feeling has been validated. See that’s the thing that happens before a diagnosis, you feel almost crazy because you have fought for so long to get an answer to what was ailing you. 

You have complained to those friends about what was going on with you. They have heard all about the pains, the feelings, and the issues that you were dealing with. They are now relieved right along with you that there was an answer. To be honest, I am sure they are feeling relived that they don’t have to hear you complain any longer about how you feel and what is wrong. I say that because I was once on that side of this mess too. I know the feeling of finally thinking, oh great they have an answer so all is going to go back to how it is supposed to be, free of complaints and “whining.” Here’s the thing, it never goes back to what was and to what was deemed normal at the time. That’s the hard part of having a chronic illness, there is nothing normal about it, ever! No matter the illness/disease, if it is chronic then you have to deal with how it affects you daily, hourly, and most of the time by the minute. That is the part that frustrates everyone, but it seems especially the friends. See a chronic illness is not something that is over in a time frame, it is a daily issue, not something that can be taken care of with a specific timed targeted treatment or series of treatments. Yes, we get treatments and sometimes specific targeted treatments to help with flares and to get the illness under control at times, but in reality, the treatments don’t mark an end, it just marks a stop on the journey. 

Since there are just stops on a life-long journey, there is not end in sight and it wears on a person. Most of us don’t like complaining and griping about what is wrong with us, but it also our reality that we live with everyday issues; whether it be serious pain that doesn’t even register on the normal pain scale, or simply a feeling of not being well, that is our reality. I try to mask my pain, my uncomfortableness, my everyday issues from those around me but they know, they can sense it and they are aware of how I have changed due to it. I am sure it makes some uncomfortable because every day is an unknown, but it is reality for us. Having those chronic illness days is when we need friends the most, but because those days are more frequent those friends seem to disappear because there is no “quick” fix or cure. 

At the beginning everyone rallies around, but as time goes on and you have to cancel plans, don’t have the strength to try and have a long conversation or don’t have the mental capacity to remember to text back immediately, and back out of obligations there seems to be a resentment that grows. I think that is why so many people with chronic illnesses find that they have more para-social relationships and find more comfort in those online friendships that seem to develop with others that can relate to what you are dealing with daily. If you have those online friendships, it’s okay that you don’t respond immediately or even if you forget to respond for a few days because you are dealing with a flare up, no one really takes it personally because that is how the online “society” functions. Those online relationships/friendships truly don’t replace the human interaction that you have with “real life” ones, but they do offer a comfort that is needed especially when dealing with all that a chronic illness entails. I understand the failing of friendships in “real life” to an extent but at the same time, it is just hard to accept. I realize that life happens and things get busy, but I don’t know….. I honestly don’t know what else to say other than it is hard and I hate it because I have lost several friendships that at one time meant a lot to me. I am so thankful for the few I have remaining, and I am really thankful for the community I have found online that offers support, comfort, and understanding.