Life After School Days

So, I’ve been cleaning out and organizing my life lately, which is always a fun thing to do for me but really this is totally beside the point of this. As I was cleaning out, I found old photographs from all the elementary, middle, and high schools I attended. I sat there for a bit and just looked through them thinking back to how things used to be. I use to wish I could have stayed in one place long enough to have “best friends” but alas we moved on average every five years. Even though five years might seem like a long time, it really isn’t in years where you are trying find out who you are, where you fit in, and where you think you are going in life. I always wished that I could live in a small town where everyone knew everyone and it was like Mayberry. I realize now that those places truly don’t exist (like how I envisioned) and in most small towns everyone gossips about everyone else and it leads to a lot of mental health issues (more so than in bigger cities, which still have them too, but it seems more prevalent in smaller places). 

            As I looked at the pictures, I had some fond memories that came up, but a lot of horrible memories crept up too. I remember being the fat friend of the group, I remember being called that to my face and behind my back, little did we all know that I had serious medical conditions that wouldn’t get diagnosed until later in life. I had a memory of when we went to a church camp and I was able to see people from the previous church we had been at, and I got my yearbook where someone had so politely written the word fat in huge letters on the pages of the book for me (as if I didn’t realize that myself). If I had known then what I know now, I would have just laughed it off and said what an ignorant, small minded insecure person they must be to bother with their time to tell me that. 

            I saw pictures of people who I no longer talk to and don’t have the desire to because I found out just what type of person they really were. I found out just how much they didn’t like me, but were happy to use me because I had a car, I had a house they could stay at with a pool in the backyard, and since my love language has always been gifts, they knew I’d give them whatever it was they wanted (but presented to me as a need) at the time. I was made fun because of the way I talked, the way I dressed, the type music/movies I liked, you name it I was made fun of it. The funny thing is, most of it was behind my back but the thing about all that is people are all too glad to gossip to you and tell you what someone said about you, but to remind you that they are looking out for you and would never do that. Yes, they would and they did. 

Now, I am not playing saint here at all, trust me. I was mean, callous, cold-hearted, vicious, I’d cut you off in a heartbeat, but trust me you’d know it because my face would give it away or my mouth would. Luckily, I have grown up a lot, I still deal with forgiveness, that is my major downfall but that’s for another time. As I looked at those pictures my heart broke for the little girl who believed that those people actually meant something to her and would mean something to her so much later in her life. Don’t get me wrong, there were some really good people from those days that I am still in contact with and I am so happy for that and love that I get to keep up with them and their lives. But what I wish I could tell little Katie is that those years, even though they seemed so long, were so short and yes, they helped maybe a little form who she would become, but in the long run they honestly didn’t matter that much. There were much more important years to come, years where she would truly find herself, come into her own, and live her most authentic life. Those are the years that matter, those are the years that absolutely shaped her into who she is today.

Moving around every five years (even if it was in the same town just to new schools) affected me more than I use to want to admit. It was hard to have lasting connections with people and that still affects me today but I can admit it and I can see it coming a mile away and I know now how to stabilize that life. I still struggle with cutting people off and moving on from them quickly but I have discovered that it is a coping mechanism I learned early on in life because if I can do that, then I can save myself from hurt (that is not the case in reality, but early in life I thought it was the answer). I can remember people saying that the high school years were going to be the best in your life, that’s an outright lie. Those four years are but a short sprint into you actually becoming who are meant to be. I feel sorry for the people who think that high school was the greatest, they peaked way too early and still have no idea who they are meant to be. It is a really sad life looking from the outside in, and a majority of those people are the ones who called me fat, made fun of me, and in a heartbeat would continue to do so if anyone would listen to them dribble on. 

I wish I could tell everyone that is in high school right now, just to ride it out. Ride out the ignorance of those around them, know that they are so insecure with themselves that this is how they show it. No, it doesn’t excuse it, make it better, or make it okay but if you can just ride the wave of stupidity coming off of them, you will be better for it. No, it’s not fair you have to ride that wave, it’s not fair they get all the attention, it’s simply not fair and it hurts. But trust that it is only for a short time and you can do it. I want to hug little Katie and tell her that her life turns out better than what she even dreamed up during those years. I want her to know that she made it to the other side and she is so much stronger. I wish I could tell her not to be so trusting of people though, to listen to her heart because it was always right about people. I wish I could pass on to everyone in high school to trust their intuition, even if what it tells them isn’t the popular idea going around. Your intuition doesn’t lie to you, others do, so listen to yourself and believe what you are telling yourself. I wish I could show those little kids in high school just how short that time is, and just how much it doesn’t matter in the long run. It doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the right group, it is their loss not yours. I wish I could give every one of the kids the strength to stand up for themselves and tell the others to take a long walk off a short pier, mean it and find what is going to make them happy in those moments until they truly discover who they are meant to be. 

We need to be talking about mental health in preschool and checking in every day with kids throughout their time in the school system. Some of the brightest, happiest kids are the ones suffering the most. Growing up we never discussed our mental health in school at all, and I think if we had a lot of things of would have been a good deal different. We all need to be working together for the kids today: parents, the school, friends, family, doctors, anyone who comes in constant contact with them needs to be checking on them. We need to talk more open about what we are dealing with as adults to let others know they aren’t alone and that there is someone out there who can relate. I talk a lot about my physical health but I hardly touch on the mental side of what autoimmune diseases can do to a person. I am vowing to be more open about all aspects of my health so that if I can help just one person then I want to be able to do that. Seeing those pictures really made me assess where I am today and who I am today and I am amazed at how far I have come and how strong I actually am, and just how little those short four years were in my marathon of my life. So, here’s to being more open and to helping one another as we navigate this thing called life.