Grief

Grief

            Grief is a funny thing, it can some out of nowhere and it can hit in weird ways. I was walking along the parking lot tonight and I had an overwhelming since of loss that hit from nowhere. I so badly wanted to be able to call my dad and ask him a random question that popped up in my mind. There are so many questions I have for him now that I am somewhat deconstructing my belief system as far as my Christianity goes. I know some of his answers because we were able to have several serious deep conversations about his belief system, what I saw as my belief system, but there is so much more that I need to talk to him about and he is not around to answer my deep questions and there is no one who stands up to him in my opinion. I miss him more than words could ever describe. 

            I not only miss dad, but I grieve what should have been and what could have been in my life as well. I grieve over these stupid autoimmune diseases that have wrecked me from the inside out. Now that I am actually showing outward signs of the diseases it is even more frustrating to me. I have had a bad run of it lately and each day I grieve what I should be doing and how I should be feeling. I know that everything has its purpose and there is a reason for it all but honestly the grief can overwhelm that feeling and that knowledge. Grief can sneak up on me and knock the breath out of me some days. I try to get up and face each day with a brave face, I put on the makeup, jewelry, shoes to try and mask what I am dealing with. But lately I just honestly am going through the motions and I am finding that I don’t care as much about the outward appearance, which is such a change for me. I hate that these diseases have taken so much from me.

            I grieve this time of year because I can no longer teach and that is something that I loved. I hate I am not planning for the kiddos to be in my classroom, I hate I am not decorating the classroom for them, and I hate that I know I can’t physically, mentally, or emotionally do the job any more. In fact, there would be no way I could do it, I was in bed all day Monday, as in I didn’t get out of it unless I had to use the restroom or my husband made me wake up enough to drink so I didn’t get dehydrated. I have tried other ways, such as online teaching, but it’s the same thing there are just days I am not able to function in any form. I have had to realize that I can no longer actually be employed by anyone, I honestly feel like I can’t even work for myself these days. I grieve that I am lost in this time period of my life. I envy those I see online who are starting the new school year, I envy anyone who can get up and go to a job and be a productive member of society which I feel I am not these days. I’m sure I actually contribute something but honestly, I am not sure what it is and I couldn’t find right now if I tried.

            I grieve for the kids that I haven’t had. It breaks my heart that I have not been able to get pregnant and carry a baby to term. I don’t have kids that I can teach, I can mold, and encourage. My heart breaks seeing all the kids’ others have and what fun they are having with them through the summer. I grieve I don’t get to go school shopping with my kid(s), that I don’t have someone to carry on my legacy (which I actually don’t have one but ya get the point). I see these kids that are going to be seniors or are going away to college and realize that those kids could be the age of my kid(s) if I had had any. It’s heartbreaking to me that I don’t have kids to talk about dad, or kids that would have known him. I hate I was never able to give my mom a grandchild because she would make the best nana. It’s just another thing that these stupid diseases have taken away from me. 

            Grief is such a mystery. Grief is something that can’t be fully defined and you don’t fully understand it until you have to experience it for yourself. It is the painful reminder of what you have lost and what you don’t have any way of getting back in any form. We can settle in the grief and let it become the ruler of our lives or we can acknowledge it, sit in it for a brief moment in time and then allow it pass over us. We can cry, scream, huff and puff, anything that we need to feel the grief but we have to let it go. There is no way I can allow the grief to flood over me and reign. I have to sit in it, I have to deal with it, and I have to let it go. If I were to sit in the grief for extended times then I would be a lot worse off than I am. I have to remind myself that I am still alive, I am here, and there is a reason for all I am experiencing. I honestly don’t have a clue right now what that reason is, but there is a reason. I will have good days again, because that is the cycle of autoimmune life, but in the mean time I will sit with the grief and allow it to make me stronger. If you are in a cycle of grief, please know you are not alone and this too will pass, you are worth continuing to break out of the cycle and let the grief pass away.