Memory Failures….

Short term memory is defined as information that is retained within the brain and is able to be retrieved over a very brief span of time. Long term memory is then defined as having information that is stored in the brain, and is able to be retrieved over a long period of time, which is often over an entire life span of the person. Both of these types of memory are important to our everyday being and our ability to recall things that are needed in a specific moment in time. Losing either one of these memory banks can reek havoc on a person and their life. We don’t think about our memories, short or long, unless we can no longer recall what they are. Every day we have moments where our memories are needed to function, to be able to get us where we need to go, and to recall that special moment in time we had. We don’t even realize how much memory we rely on during out day to day life. Once our memory starts slipping is when we realize how much we truly need to have it to continue our life as we know it. But once the memories start to fade we then have to overcompensate for that failure. We can rely on others to fill in the missing pieces, we can fill them in with other memories we hold, or we can just function and fill them in the best we can. 

            I bring up memory because that is one thing that unless a person is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or Dementia, it is never really talked about. The doctors don’t talk about it when talking about what all is going to happen with a specific autoimmune issues, they leave that part off. I am guessing they don’t touch on this aspect because in the grand scheme of the illness it is on the lower end of what is considered “bad” by those in the industry. The memory is something that needs to be talked about though, it is something that affects us all in different ways like with most autoimmune illnesses. I hate that none of my doctors even brought it up to me until I asked about it and questioned them on what I was experiencing. Once it was brought up though, they were happy to help me and get me things that could help me out. 

            See the truth of things are, yes I am being affected outwardly at the moment and my autoimmune illnesses are acting up again, but it’s my brain or better yet my memory that I am really focused on at this point in time. My truth is that at the moment my memories are fading faster that I can keep up with them. They seem to be fleeting at every turn I make. It’s frustrating to me because I used to be able to recall most everything that has happened in my life, now I have to question those around me as to what happened and when. I have never been good with numbers but I used to be able to remember dates of important events. I don’t have a clue now when things happened. I have given up on trying remember the dates and just ask someone if I feel like it is important. A perfect example is the other night we were watching the Val Kilmer documentary and they touched on his portrayal of Jim Morrison of The Doors. Well I had a very strong memory of dad taking to see the movie (twice) because I loved the music of The Doors. So I thought it happened a lot later than it did, and my brother had to remind me of where we lived at that time and what theater I would have seen it in. We laughed it off because it was funny, but later on it started to frustrate me because I should have known that. 

            Now I get older people can relate because they tell me all the time how they have slipping memories and that it is just part of life. Honestly though, it should not be part of life as a 20 something year old, a 30 something year old, or even a 40 something year old, it just shouldn’t be. It should actually never be a part of life no matter the age but especially when you are still considered “young.” I realize every day that more and more of memories are fading away. This is so scary to me because I never want to lose memories of dad, and the fond memories of school, or things that are important to my relationships. I had to ask my husband today just how long we had been together, I honestly had no idea. He kind of laughed because the thought I was joking but realized when I start to tear up that I was serious and I honestly had no idea. It’s things like this every day that I am dealing with. 

            I have talked to all my doctors about what is going on and they all have agreed that several of my autoimmune illnesses can cause memory issues(their wording not mine). There aren’t many studies out there on the memory side of these illnesses, because like I said earlier that seems to be at the end of the issues of the illnesses that are looked at. So from those studies I have found there are some relations between the illness and memory. I know first hand that it there is a relationship between the two, I experience it every day. I am on medication that is supposed to help calm down the memory loss but it’s not working, so that will be a discussion to have with the doctors at the next appointment. Aside from that though, and why I am telling you this is because it is scary, I want you to know that this is a side effect and that people in the autoimmune community deal with this and often times are overlooked because they are too young or look too healthy or any number of excuses we hear all the time. 

            Memories are precious moments in our life, ones we want to hold on to, to be able to recall, and things we need to function every day in our life. My short term memory is going more quickly than my long term but they both are failing in their own way. I have never been good with direction but now if it is not somewhere I have been numerous times (with me driving) then I can’t get there on my own, this is what failing memory looks like. I have random snippets of images from days past and have to go to my family to fill in the rest so that the memory makes sense. I have messaged old friends to ask them about a memory I had that I could not place or even remember much of, and thankfully they are so kind and will answer me. I have seen people out and I recognize their face but cannot place them to save my life. I have go back and look at my friends on social media and figure out why I am following them, if we are friends in real life, or I just follow them on socials. 

            It’s a frustrating existence to deal with failing memory. I am not telling you this for sympathy, that’s the last thing I want or need. I am telling you this so that if you see me out and I don’t speak, know I am not being rude, I just can’t place you. If we are out and someone speaks to me and I don’t introduce you it’s because I can’t place them, so feel free to introduce yourself so maybe I can figure out how I know them. Forgive me if I think I have responded to you in text or a phone call and I haven’t, I lost the memory of the text and don’t realize it until later, then I am too embarrassed to respond or it’s too late usually in the early morning when I realize it, so feel free to text me until I respond, it’s fine I promise. I really tell you all this so that if you have someone that you know has an autoimmune illness, this is most likely part of their life as well. Some of us lose it faster than others, some are lucky to not lose it at all, but those of us who are losing the memories are fighting every single day to try and retrieve and retain what we have. Be patient with us, help us out where you can, and above all just know it is not our fault, we are not faking and it is a lot worse for us then it is for you dealing with us. So here’s to losing memories but being thankful you have family and friends that will fill in the loss.