Life is a Journey

Life can take you on a journey you aren’t ready for. I am living that life at the moment, a life that wasn’t planned by me but has been forced on me none the less. I am sitting here dwelling on the fact that I have seven yes seven different illnesses that I am fighting against. I say fighting against because that is how it feels, each day I get up and fight more or don’t fight at all. Those are the days that I absolutely hate but they come more often now. Those days are the ones that linger in my mind and give me pause as to why I continue to fight. I know you are thinking but you have to fight, we love you, we want you to be better. Thank you for that, I love you too but honestly some days it’s just too hard to fight. Those days are more frequent during the summer time surprisingly. You’d think they would be more prominent in the winter months but it’s not, it’s the summer that does me in. 

            Please don’t think I am going to give it all up and just roll over and let it go, I am not. I am going to fight but you have to know how hard it is fighting these days, the lagging in my brain is not helping things. My brain feels like it is on a vacation at the moment and isn’t coming back anytime soon. See I can live with pain, it’s just pain but what I can’t live with is my brain quitting on me. My brain is failing more than I care to admit and my doctors are like so sorry that is just how things are with you. I hate that notion that things are just how they are for me, why is that? Why can’t I require more of myself and my body?

            I want my body to step up and function, but it is laughing at me right now. It has no idea what it wants to be and how it wants to work, all it knows is that it seems to like living with the pain and also making the brain feel like mush. That is the hardest part for me is the brain being mush and not remembering things that it should. I hate having a conversation with people about what happened last week and I can barely remember what we did, what we talked about, or what we watched. It is frustrating to not be able to recall on a dime what just took place, I used to pride myself on how well I could remember things but now I don’t have a single clue. 

            No matter how bad I am feeling, I know that this is not the end of it. I know that the pain is going to continue to increase it always does. I will probably get to a place where I have trouble walking, that is scary in and of itself because I have seen that play out before I was placed on my medicine. I feel myself slipping more and more into the unknown which is scary. I know my brain is on the brink of breaking to the point that it most likely won’t return to how it used to be. I am losing memories of my childhood, memories of my dad which is breaking my heart, memories of friends of long ago, and memories I am supposed to be making now in the present with those I love. I am honestly not sure where to go, who to see, which doctor to consult, so I am going to start at the top and go down the list of doctors and see what pans out. As frustrating as this is, I know it could be a lot worse so for that I am thankful. No matter how many memories I lose, I will treasure those that I have and I will continue to be present in making memories with those I love even if I can’t remember them all. Hold those you love a little closer, make those amazing memories, take the pictures, and treasure each moment you have.